My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
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“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!