her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
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Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
This is my cat’s medicine.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.