It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
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“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”