Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
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Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.