me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
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*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I put the h in mysterious.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party