[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
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(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.