*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
You Might Also Like
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money