Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
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Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little