I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
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Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
What if all the cashiers are married?
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
black phone good
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.