Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
You Might Also Like
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…