[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
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Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*