Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
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Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.