Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
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Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick