I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
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Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Yes my dude
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.