My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
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Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL