I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
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3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Have a lovely day 😊
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?