I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
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Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom