Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
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me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars