Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
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[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.