*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
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my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.