Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
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I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Yup.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.