Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
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Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business