The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
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Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.