Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
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What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Welcome to the stomach
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.