I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
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Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment