It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
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You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain