I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
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Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.