(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
You Might Also Like
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
⛄️
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
There’s always that one guy
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.