dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
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HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
What?
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
There is no try. There is only give up.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”