Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar