Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
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Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
The best shot in the history of golf
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
translated into Canadian
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows