What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
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My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))