As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
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that colleague who touches your screen
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Have a lovely day 😊
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT