My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
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you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Rather alarming headline…
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
pls suprot
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*