hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
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Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?