Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
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first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs