If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
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worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Breakfast for Stoners:
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”