Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
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My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Software Development ⛵️
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”