Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
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What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
smh
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids