“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
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[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no