I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
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Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
respect
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three