There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
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Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
mom had nothing to worry about
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.