a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
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I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
SCARY COSTUME
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.