Greeting humans vs their dogs
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When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
gentlemen, hear me out
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.