They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
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my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing