{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
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No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!