me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
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I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.