Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
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Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
new record!
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.