Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
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I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you