Velcrow
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Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
HOW DARE YOU
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Skills
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.